Pardon me

Pardon me while I have a brief mental breakdown.  I'm tired...not just physically but mentally.  I decided to go to bed early tonight. Early....at 10:30. That's very early when Todd is gone.  I got up from posting pictures of the jacket I made Raelee and realized that I needed to clean up the sewing mess. I'm not a neat person...and that couldn't be any more obvious than when Todd is gone. He keeps me in check.  So I decide I need to clean up the sewing stuff. I get that done and sweep up the billion and 5 little strings on the floor among other things.  

Then I remember that I have my photography equipment out (light stands, etc) in the living room taking up all available space. I HAVE to get that cleaned up. Start working on that.  Pass the laundry room and realize that I REALLY need to do laundry. That can wait until tomorrow.   Go to toss something in the trash only to remember all of the trash needs to go out and then to the street. I get that done. As I'm walking in, I notice the grass needs mowed.  That must get done tomorrow. Don't think my neighbors will appreciate the mower cranking up at 11 pm.  Come back in and put something away in the homeschool room. HOMESCHOOL! I forgot I need to prepare for that...we need to do that in the morning. Oh man...did I remind Raelee to practice her piano today? Probably not.

I go into my bedroom to find that my lovely dog buster has pulled out THREE dog beds into the middle of the floor. Now there is memory foam pieces all over the floor along with green fuzz.  Nice.  While I'm cleaning up that mess, my very very loud and persistent cat tells me no less than 50 times that she needs food.  Go in  to feed her. Dogs need water, Patches needs food.  Then I remember that I must take the mini-horse to the vet tomorrow. I might cancel that....I can't take it right now. 

I am just tired.  Tired of everything and everybody relying on me. I am one person.  I have a ton of help when Todd is home....but sometimes I just wish I had it when he was gone too.  It's times like this that I envy those families that work on a 9-5 schedule...those families that look forward to a Monday after a hard weekend...after all the kids are going back to school.  

The reality hits hard....I am alone.  Bitterly alone.  My family is gone...my husband is gone.  There is nobody here to help me when I can't take it anymore.  And folks....I can't take it anymore. But I have nobody to fall back on. It was so nice when my parents were around...I handled Todd being gone so much easier. I knew that every friday night, I had a break...and I had a break whenever else I needed it too.  Although lately when they are around, I don't need the breaks as often. I have come to treasure that one night a week...and sometimes that's all I need.

I have to teach Raelee everything she knows....do you know how hard that is? How heavy it can weigh on a person?  Yes, I enjoy it...emensely....and no, when you ask, sending her to school is not an option. 

I spend a small fortune farming out the few things I can...the things Raelee wants to learn but I can't or just plain don't want to teach her.  One would think with all of the extra curriculars she is in, I would have several hours a week on my own...without a kid around.  I do....but during those times, I find myself grocery shopping, getting the mail, running errand, etc.  And yes, those things are easier to do without Raelee, but it leaves me no alone time at home.

Raelee is at that age where she wants to do more grown up things. She wants to sew, to put together models of a fort, cook, scrapbook, build things with wood, etc. Those things all require somebody sitting next to her helping her....and frankly, after we are done with school, I need to be done helping. I know that's wrong to say...I know that I need to switch from Teacher to Mom, but I am not wired that way....and I dare say I'm not the only homeschool mom that feels that way.

Yes, I can hire a sitter...I know that...but if I do that, I need to leave the house. I don't want to leave the house. I want to just be at home....just me....without the "Can I's"....which Raelee gets about every 4 minutes. I feel like a horrible mom...I am always saying no.  I can hire somebody to come in and just play with Raelee while I stay home. Then I'm still the one that has to tell this person where this is, where that is, what is and isn't allowed....It's still me....see? See my problem?

I found an exercise that I LOVE. I can't go while Todd is gone though. They have AM sessions....I have nobody for Raelee...and even if I did, Raelee has school that needs to be done.  They have PM sessions...I can't do that either. Raelee has soccer practice.

 Todd wants Raelee to get more exercise...and frankly, I need it too.  It's too hot to walk during the day...so I have to save that for after supper...that I have to cook...then clean up. After that's done, I'm tired. I don't feel like getting out and walking.  If I did, I would have to take the dogs....and Goofy is a monster on a leash. If I didn't take them, I would feel guilty and they would go nuts.  I would have to listen to Raelee whine and fuss the entire time about how tired she is and she wants to go back. 

It goes on and on.  I am just tired of being the sole person that cares for Raelee, school, the house, the car, the laundry, the food. I am just tired....and there is no end in sight.

If you made it this far....I apologize for the pity party.  I would like to say that tomorrow will be better...but I somehow doubt it.

Here it is 11:40...and I'm still going to be going to bed early...or maybe not. I'm sure that I will find a dozen things on the way back there that needs to be done.